I grew up in church. Easter was always the biggest deal. It had the biggest crowds. No matter what church I grew up in. The preachers knew it. Everyone did. It had its own excitement of a celebration of Jesus. His victory over death was so epic and real. Every other day paled in comparison. Realistically that was not true but the Easter vibe always felt that way when I grew up in church. Easter is the Super Bowl of Christianity and we had already won the game so we just had to run out the clock. Taking a knee in prayer or a victory dance in praise and worship.
Unfortunately for now I'm not in any church and usually it doesn't hurt. But sometimes I miss what I had in the past. The nostalgia or the Spirit or the potluck Sundays are making me reminisce. For whatever reason, I don't remember the early mornings I didn't want to wake up. I somehow forgo the memory of long hours in church services that ended long before the preacher sat down. I seem to have a short-term memory of all the hours spent after service cleaning up. All I can remember is that one moment. That one person that got healed. That one time I couldn't stop crying. That one day when God gave me peace on something I was unsure about.
Easter without a church is an odd feeling. Honestly, Easter services themselves are typically not that different for me. I usually got more out of the services that followed. The new people who joined after Easter decided to walk through life with us. Easter for me was always less about Easter and more about how it affected people and caused changes. Even the regular church pew-sitters somehow seemed more committed when Easter came around. This nostalgia and all the Easter photos on Facebook made me reflect on what I missed most about my time at church.
I miss prayer. By far the hardest parts of not having a church home are these random days of prayer. Sometimes it just hits me hard. I want to pray. I used to just walk up to my church and work it out for an hour or two, alone. Now I drive an extra 30 mins. around town hoping, I don't lose focus too much. Celebrating with people is addictive. Prayer is my celebration. I celebrate the guy who stole something out of my car. I celebrate the people who don't have time for me. I celebrate all the hard things about being single. I don't pray because something is wrong. I pray because God answers. Prayer is a celebration. I want to do it often. I don't pray out of shame of some sin. I don't pray out of fear of something I missed. I celebrate the God who hears me. Prayer is my forever celebration. When I was younger I could only pray when I felt bad but now I pray no matter what I feel. Prayer for me is no longer a feeling, it's no longer an off or on mood. Prayer is a celebration. I prefer to celebrate as much as humanly possible.
I miss faith. Belief in God is a communal thing. I had this feeling the other day that I wanted to just sit with someone and hear their faith walk. Not to judge it or understand it. Just hearing how other people process their relationship with God has always been a balm to me. Once I was randomly talking to my sister and asked her a question about God and her answer was so simple it made me feel foolish for my over spiritualized brain. I worked out 800 bible verses to answer the question in my head. My sister answered out the simplicity of her experience and hope. That answer made 100% sense and spoke louder than a million bible services. Shared faith is soul food.
I'm not saying Easter didn't feel as real as before when I was in church every day. It's just different. For me every day is Easter. Every day is worth celebrating the chance to experience life. Every day is a chance for faith to carry me past my fears. The way I've always lived my life is every day is a special event because it's the only day I'll ever get. I don't get to have yesterday again. It's gone. And no man is promised tomorrow. Today is always the most important day. Like Jesus prayed. "Give us this day, our daily bread." Although I'm getting used to Easter without the church I will never forget all the good it taught me. All the beautiful things people impressed upon me. All the different times I didn't feel like anything and slowly but surely God became everything to me.
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