It was last year around this time, I sat at my computer. Three weeks earlier my granddad had passed away. I’m at my computer doing my usual routine of nothing. I like watching twitch streamers. Twitch is a website that allows you to watch anyone play video games or just watch them talk. The twitch streamer im watching is reviewing music. The song is by Kanye West called “Moon”. Whenever I hear new music it doesn't really move me. I’m just taking it in. Three weeks to this night I have yet to cry about my granddad's passing. I felt sad for sure but I hadn’t cried or even felt a tear.
A line from the chorus is “Don’t leave so soon, how can I go through?” I remember feeling my face and being confused by the amount of water on my hand. I thought something dropped on my face. I was crying. I didn’t know why. I kept listening to the words and it finally occurred to me. These words made me think about my Granddad. The grandad whose funeral I didn't feel the need to cry at. The granddad who namesake I was. The granddad that taught me what hard work was and never let me fall behind. As a teenager, I spent every Saturday with my granddad cutting grass. I can still hear his words, “Gennie, keep going. Gennie, don’t slow down. Gennie, go faster.” I never did. I was never a morning person. I still have no idea what the word hustle means.
Fast forward to today at my current job working in a manufacturing company, I’ve been here for almost two years. People now tell me they thought I would quit in the first month. The job is physically draining and obviously not easy for me. But they don't know what my Granddad instilled inside of me. I don’t know how to quit. Back to that one time at my computer. I listened to this song at least 200 times that night. I couldn’t stop crying for hours. Grief. I realize that I’m experiencing grief and I can’t do anything about it. I know almost immediately that I have to let the tears flow. I need to let the thoughts happen. I need to get through this time no matter how long it takes.
I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I have had family members die before. I have often thought of my own death and have come to terms with the end of my time on this blue planet. I have never been afraid of the thought. Everyone dies. Everyone experiences loss. However, acknowledgment of the truth and going through the truth are two different things. I am no expert in anything. I don’t have any great insight into why we go through what we go through. I am simply saying that grief is a part of life. We should not treat it like it's a foreign or a weird occurrence.
One of the phases of grief I felt was regret. All the words I never said to my granddad. He knew I loved him but I felt the need to say it to him now that he was gone. I would say that if you have anyone in your life that means anything to you, make sure they know that you love them. Tell them. Be honest about the people in your life. Let them know that you care. Let them know that you appreciate them. We are not promised tomorrow so we should always try our best to enjoy today. Give time to the people that love you. They need it. When you are gone they will need those words that you said to them. They will need that one time you said “Gennie, don’t slow down. Gennie, keep going. Gennie, go faster.” I still hear you granddad. Thank you.
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