It's impossible to know everything. We all go through it. For example, I had no idea that i would currently be out of church for the past 2 years. I’ve been in church all my life. I heard a phrase that said you don’t know what you don’t know. Yet the average person has their own ideas about almost every subject. They see the world through the lens of their own experience. In fact, the only thing that I do know is no one knows. We are born into a world that existed long before us. History has etched itself into the patterns of our thinking. I believe in God because my father does. I learned about God before I learned that you couldn’t see him. As a kid, I could see God's touch in every window. I could feel God’s desire in every church service. I could see God’s love in every moment.
The fact that you couldn’t see God didn’t phase what I could see. It was mostly because of the confidence that I saw in my parents. The confidence I noticed in preachers talking about God. The confidence beaming from the faces of people listening to sermons Sunday after Sunday. I was being groomed to believe. Now that I'm a little older and face the harsh realities of life and death, it’s never gotten hard for me to believe in God but it has gotten harder to explain why I believe. The deck is stacked on us for keeping that child-like faith. There are so many other things to believe in. Money can give you anything you ever wanted. Getting married seems to be a bigger goal than I can plan for. As a single man, it seems like I really will need divine help to connect with anyone. Being an introvert doesn't always help.
Although the deck does seem stacked I still believe in the impossible. I still believe that God is good. I still believe in that child that saw God so clearly. My current problem is I haven't been to church in over a year. I haven't felt like even going. I read a quote from Bell Hooks. "Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of community.
I can't deny the need for community. I can't deny my desire to belong to something. Some people find their value at work. They throw themselves tirelessly at a project. Finding fulfillment in completion. Everyone finds value in something. The chef in his food. The writer in his words. The coast guard in his coasting. Ok, maybe not that. But hopefully, you get my drift. We find ourselves in the tired work of a community. Pacing our hearts by the beat of supply and demand. Overcoming the odds against us. Every day I get up and I never feel like going to work. But I always get there and I always work. This tells me a few things. Just because I feel like something doesn’t mean I am that feeling. I feel like I am lost because I’m not in a church but I know I’m not. I’m just used to the community. I used to the struggle of seeing people and walking through life with them.
I am not lost. God is not far from me. I love God and still pursue him personally. Even though I’m not doing life how I usually do it. I still believe. I still pray. I still thank God. It just feels weird, not belonging. I have built my life on the foundation of the church. Now I must rebuild on the foundation of God. However, I hope I find a church.
In the Bible, the book of Daniel 2:30 says, "And it is not because I am wiser than anyone else that I know the secret of your dream, but because God wants you to understand what was in your heart." I still believe that. I believe God wants us to understand ourselves and our hearts.
Together.
Commenti