Two years ago I moved from one city to another for work. I left all my friends and family and my favorite Chinese restaurants. One of the things I've noticed is this feeling of missing home. More than anything else I think I just miss being known. I miss the comfort of being known and not having to reintroduce myself.
Starting over is not easy. Letting go can really cause problems. We all get comfortable in our chairs of life. The dad bods. The resilient mother. The cheesy little brother. The dependable friend who buys you a bag of gummy bears. Life has a way of teaching us who we can be to others. However, there are times when life is confusing. Like when I decided to move to a city I knew nothing about.
Single Life is confusing
I've been single all my life. As a single man, you feel the full weight of any decision you make. If I decide to hit the snooze button there is no one around to wake me up if I miss the next one. (I.E. I no longer hit snooze buttons.) If I decide to eat out instead of cook I notice the difference in my spending money immediately. When I lived with my family, eating out seemed a necessity. But after being by myself and paying my own utilities, cooking...isn't so bad. When I first started cooking hamburger helper that was the worst taste I've ever put in my mouth. But now after many tries and a lot of trashed plates, I have a decent cheeseburger macaroni in my arsenal.
Abraham was confused
Life is very confusing for me because I have no idea why I'm here. I started to feel like Abraham when God told him to get out of his land and go to another one. The amount of uncertainty is anxiety-filled loneliness. Not to mention God said nothing else but change where you live. While Abraham is leaving his country, twice his wife gets abducted. Abraham lies to save himself. Twice. He isn't the hero we're looking for. He is confused and feeling unsure. We often lie to ourselves when we feel unsafe. It is easier to cheat yourself than face yourself. It is often easier to hide than it is to go. It's why I probably don't write as much as I can. I just want everything to be easy sometimes.
It's easier to believe we are too busy to do the hard things life often presents to us.
If you are single there is no one to tell you to do the hard things. So much so that I forget what the hard things are. It's quite confusing what path I should take in my life. If i do one thing differently then my whole week is thrown off and it can be great for discovery or the reason why I am so tired at work the next day. You never know until you try.
Life can be confusing.
However, if you stop trying to figure everything out and keep living, you will find that you don't have time to be confused. When you are actively worried then you can't be active. In fear, we want all the attention on us instead of moving forward. In doubt, we seek all the answers instead of trusting that life can work without us knowing everything. We have to allow our lives to not be perfect. What I have learned so far is, If you feel you deserve all the answers you will rarely get any. Allow your life to be worthy as it is to do the things that you can. Just as we must accept fear to live it out, we must also accept peace to feel it. In the same way, we accept doubt so easily sometimes, we must also fall into faith as a child. Just as much as we believe in the words of people around us, we must also believe in the words of a God who was before us. At one point you have to realize we are meant to live this life without all the answers and just keep trying.
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